I had not forgotten them

May 9, 2007

Anyway who’s emailed/chatted/spoken with me in the past week knows that even though I have wrapped up one more semester of craptastic library papers and hopefully somewhat less craptastic English papers, yet more crap has felt the need to hit the fan. I could blog about this, and I probably will. But I’m kind of tired of trauma-blogging, so I’m going to start a little homage to my friends that has been long, long overdue. Because while I’ve been busy whining on my blog, you have been busy reading it, commenting on it, and most of all sending me mix CDs and the occasional KitKat Chunky and Dark Chocolate Flake. You know who you are (ahem ahem in alphabetical order AH, D&F, LCB and T-Fap although he no longer reads this blog). Yes, you have made love into a verb. When I cried out, you did more than nod your head, you did something. It has not gone unnoticed despite my vast blog silence!

When I wrote in my little bio for this blog that I’m a 25 year old living from mix CD to mix CD, I wasn’t kidding. For as long as I’ve been getting mix CDs from you people, starting with T-Fap’s Birthified mix sent to me on the occasion of turning 23 in Brazil, I have been using them as my soul’s soundtrack.

When I got that CD, I had no idea what to do with a BA in English, couldn’t afford no ring, and John Kerry had just lost the election. Half of the time was gone and I didn’t know where because alas I did not catch my plan ride on time, but I tried to remember to let my honesty shine, shine, shine, because I was the only living girl in Natal. I tried to call on St. Christopher, but not even he can do very much for a twenty-something.

Then there was the You’re Freaking Married Mix. There was also a mix from LCB that got played while me and the bridesmaids frantically applied make-up, but alas it disappeared into my sister’s laptop and while there have been rumors of its return on every visit since then, it is still somewhere in Michigan, so all I remember is that I think Stand By Me was on there. But I have nothing but good memories of the wedding so it must have set just the right mood. The YFMM found its way into the CD player of our rental car, and wow wow, look at us now, I sure felt like I had found my one in a million and I still do. I’m keeping him forever and for always, no matter what he thinks of my taste in country songs. I’ll be his Victoria and he’ll be my Albert.

Round about February last year, getting home from a visit to my mom lying in a hospital bed in Ann Arbor, I really wondered where I was and what the hell was going on. The doctors said it was all for the best, and they only meant well. Well of course they did. A little bit later, I became recreation for my very own doctor, the dermatologist. Why did it always rain on me? I was certainly being held up by invisible men, and there was no stairway to paradise no matter how many steps I tried to build. Where did the blue skies go? I was bad news, baby, I was bad news. I felt like a portion for a fox.

As that spring turned to summer, when I looked in the mirror, I thought, a long time ago, we used to be friends. I was introduced to Veronica Mars and it helped me get my mind off the fact that it seemed like I had snozzed and lost with the big one-night stand called my youth. That was the feeling anyway, that to be broken I was made. Hundreds of miles and I cried like a baby, even when D pleaded with me and shouted and screamed. They were troubled times. I made it through with the Unofficial Veronica Mars Soundtrack.

Along in there was also wanting to be forever young, and thinking it was really good to see my friends rocking out and having fun for a weekend in Ohio again. I could see the light of a clear blue morning.

’06 wrapped up with a night in mama’s room spent on two separate mixes, and a country mile, and lots of dining what I believe is called al fresco. Even though lots of things in the deli aisle made me cry.

Somehow, you all seem to know that I hear in my mind, all of these voices, and I hear in my mind, all of these, and my heart is often broken. This it how it works, I feel a little worse. In world with so much suffering, I still don’t know why I have new shoes. I would almost settle for false hope on a strange and mournful day.

I’ve now gotten three mixes from down Belfast way, it’s like Christmas just keeps happening to me. I’ve only made it through one because I wear my music out like denim blue fading up to the sky, like I want them to last forever but know they never will, I’m not through until I know the words. But in that time, I’ve felt my life just like a river running through, and you know, why they follow it, it’s called bad luck. A couple of weeks ago, there was a war inside of me and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have liked me if I met me. It’s all part of the Quarterlife Crisis Mix.

Now it’s a new week and a new song, or some old songs sung louder. These days.

In short, nobody knows the record or song the way I do. I hear in my mind all of this music, and with it I’ve leaned on you today. You’ve patched me up, and sent me on my way.

I love you people.

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